Why do I keep playing?

Why do I keep playing this game?

This is a question that I ask myself constantly. 

What am I doing you ask? I play a game called Warhammer 40k. It is a tabletop wargame with models you typically build yourself, modeling them in fun and interesting poses, doing fun and interesting things with a story behind it. You paint these models and give them a life of sorts. You hobby and enjoy the process, for some they don't enjoy it and instead do it under protest so they can play more games, or even farm the experience out to others to do. 

From there you place these little models onto a table, play a game with rules, dice, and a tape measure. 

Back to the question though and why I am starting this blog. This will either be a blog I will continue or one that will fade to dust along with my desire. Ultimately it is on me to see it through either way now. 

I play this game currently not to win though it is enjoyable. Winning used to consume me, I used to punish myself and throw tantrums when I messed up something and it drove people away. It also led to my greatest fear, one I am feeding and at risk of falling face first into. What is this fear? Having no one who wishes to play against me. 

My Chaos Knights are on the left,
one of the best Necron players I know is on the right

I don't know why but I have had at least some people who have accepted my behavior and watched me grow better and some times worse. Now? Well I have moved from that area to a new one and I dont have those friends to fall back to for games when I need to improve an aspect of my sportsmanship. 

Most don't know this but I have been working on this for a long time. It does not seem like it and that is to be expected. I have gone from someone who destroyed my own models in 6th ed, to a dice thrower, to someone who has just outbursts and mood swings based on how my mind sees the game. 

NONE of these things are good. NONE are proper and I loathe myself for them but I am rambling. 

My only Loss at Crucible X and by far my FAVORITE game of the weekend. 
Thank you David for the pity rolls, I found it hilarious (100% serious)

Why do I keep playing? It is ultimately simple, I enjoy every aspect of the game. Right now, right this instance, I want to build a new War Dog model that to me is silly but in such an over the top way that I can not HELP but smile at the thought. Oh, it may not ever be allowed to be played because it could be assumed to be modeling for advantage but that wont stop me from putting it on my Gaming Tray or Display board and have it there because of the sheer audacity of what I did. 

Am I a great hobbyist then? HAHAHA no, that title is held by a man far better than myself. Truly, that is how I see him. I may not like him, may not respect the way he does things but I respect his ability.

Abaddon taking his Pets for a Walkabout (My name for my army :P )

 

Okay then, am I great player? Not even close. Sure I can play the game, do well, even score decently but there is one aspect I have struggled with and that is myself. I go into each game with the thought that I will lose. I have a journal that shows this for most games I played since it has existed. This however does not mean I don't win just that I don't go in EXPECTING to win. This is a game after all. There will be a winner, there will be a loser. 

Hell, I have not even learned to apply a 10th of the skills of pros like John Lennon, Jack Harpster, Mani, the list goes on. I have such a way to go down that road but honestly? Eh. Those skills just don't interest me. 

Look at the lil Brimstone Horrors!
They even have melted snow banks around them!

Well then, what DOES interest me? Being a better sport. I am not looking to be a better General, I either do well or I don't, I just play my Chaos Knights to the best that I can. What I care about is learning what most people consider skills so basic and simple but to me might as well be rocket science. It is the most frustrating of things to me, I think I make strides forward but it seems I am not, and over and over again it keeps getting me in trouble. 

At Onslaught GT I thought I did well, maybe 1 or 2 issues cropping up, at a local RTT an issue with terrain came up and that led to me looking the fool for not understanding something that everyone else took for granted. At Crucible, it seems I failed so horribly that I look at my 5th place badge in sadness because I don't feel like I earned it. 

My first ever award and I don't deserve it.
It now will stay with me as a reminder that I am at rock bottom.

Now I am on my way to a Grand Tournament where the host is taking the time out of his day for me to talk to him and work through this but with the understanding that this is really my last chance in the area for competitive play. 

I must be the epitome of what crap sportsmanship is, and yet, no one has given me a solid explanation. I have gotten snippets of what I do, and I have formulated plans, replayed the situations those snippets could be dealing with through my head over and over and how I could of acted or said things differently. 

Please do not read that last part as me blaming anyone but myself. I understand anyone giving me the time of day to help is FAR more than I deserve and so I am thankful for it all. Social situations are like an ocean, every time you learn something there is always more there to learn and it can be so frustrating as what I learn in one situation with one person can just as easily just piss someone else off.

For instance, I learned that people hate it when I bemoan dice rolls, fair, I would hate that as well. So I started congratulating my opponent on rolls I thought were real good or good for that situation. Seems people take that as patronizing or something I am not sure. They don't appreciate it so now I need to think of something else. Issue is, that is another person who is now in the camp of "bad experience with me". 

The Don with his Dog Leashes

So where does this leave me? Well rock bottom. I am going to a Grand Tournament in 12 days knowing that I am 1  screw up with my sportsmanship and I will be asked politely to leave. Not going to lie this is pretty heavy and yet what else can I do but try. I know in my soul I will fail but I can not help but want to try. 

It is pessimistic of me I know, predicting that I will fail and this alone will disappoint people but this is how it has been my entire life. I don't give up and will try all I can do to not fail but when you have lived on the edge in many scenarios and have fallen wrong each time, you learn to expect it. It all comes down to expectation. If they expect me to fix every issue in a short time then I will almost assuredly fail them, not by choice but by the very aspect of how difficult this is for me. 

Anyways, that is enough of my ramblings. I will aim to post something tomorrow about what steps I am taking and I will go over my plan for this GT. 

Thank you for reading and remember that the war against the Grey is winnable!